I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
