i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
His hands were made for my vagina.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
