who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
im six kinds of drunk right now
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
