He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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