dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I can't put those talents on a resume
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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