people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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