I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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