There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think a kid would responsible me up
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
