Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
