You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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