you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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