yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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