Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
