I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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