i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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