Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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