This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
