Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
