Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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