Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
