OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
