she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
