Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't deserve a penis
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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