I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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