I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
