This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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