I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
