nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
