... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
