just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Your face is a jimmy john
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
