Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
