Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
