go do what you do best...puke behind churches
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
