My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
