This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
