I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
