I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm bleeding and have questions
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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