i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
