The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
