did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
