I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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