i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
