We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
