it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
