I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
