I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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