i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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