How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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