In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
