you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
