Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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