man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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