No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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