Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
