just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
