He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
