woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
