I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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